One Full Circle
by Freyja Snape
Summary: Sirius's deaths unearths in Severus’s heart, memories of the bitter past and hope for the future, as his life comes around one full circle of love and hatred, and trust and betrayal.
1. Memories

_**Disclaimer**: I don't own Severus, Harry Potter, James, Sirius and Dumbledore and every thing else you find familiar (in case I've missed something). _

_**Warning**: Spoiler to Order of the Phoenix_

**Chapter 1: Memories**

A thin boy with messy black hair sat in his darkening room occupied by the same thoughts that have been haunting him ever since he had returned to Privet Drive. Miles away a man sat by the window in his bedroom staring at the setting sun thinking about things he had avoided so far. There was nothing common between both these wizards ...nothing except their thoughts. Right now Harry Potter and Severus Snape were thinking about the same person-Sirius Black.

As Severus sat thinking about the man he never thought he would think about, unbidden pictures started coming to his mind, vivid pictures of memories he had been avoiding for the past 25 years, memories from which he had always ran away. But today was different. Today for the first time in all those years he didn't avoid those memories. His eyes filled with unshed tears as he thought about those years before the hatred, before the anger, years that lead to the hatred, the anger, that lead him to be the man he was today He could still remember those years, still hear the voices of his childhood friends Jonathan, Maya, Sirius and James...

"_Severus" Sirius shouted, "If you don't come out in a minute I am going to pull you out." _

"_I'll be out in a second", Severus replied putting on his shirt in hurry. _

_The village primary school had closed for summer and they had three months of holidays before they went to Hogwarts and these nearly-eleven-year-old kids were determined to enjoy each second of their holidays. An hour later walking under the bright morning sun, that was exactly what the five friends were doing._

_They raced each other, free like young colts in the wild, with the spirit of birds, flying in the bright morning sun in their hearts, the glow brightening their faces._

"_All right, stop. Stop every one. I can't run anymore." James panted._

"_Right you are" Sirius joined in out of breath._

_They all sat under the shade of a tree leaning against its trunk. No one said anything for a while. Severus quietly took out a pencil and a paper and got to work._

"_Hey, what are you doing?" Jonathan asked him after a while._

"_Sketching Sirius." He replied engrossed in the picture._

"_Great" Sirius said sounding sarcastic. "so which animal are you trying to make me now?" He remembered how he had been drawn as a dog last time. It was a very good picture actually but on the other hand it gave James a chance to start barking when ever he started to say some thing-for two weeks._

"_Shut up you ass and come and look at this." James said looking at the picture with something of an awe in his eyes._

"_All right," said Sirius coming nearer "but if it turns out to be ......WOW! That's great Sevvie."_

"_Your best yet I would say." Maya complimented._

"_Severus, you know what I like the most in your sketches?" James said still lost in the picture_

"_What?"_

"_The eyes"_

"_Right you are." Sirius added. "there seems to be something in them that pulls you in, so...so"_

"_So ALIVE" James finished._

"_Right you are, again"_

"_You know what Sirius" James said with a pretence of seriousness and mock concern "I reckon you'll soon forget the rest of English if you just keep repeating that."_

"_Right you are Jamie" Jonathan carried out a perfect imitation which earned him a 15 minute chase leaving the other two laughing under the tree. _

_Returning home that evening with his friends Severus thought how just right his life was. True he had a stepmother who hated him, but then he had a father who loved him beyond all limits. His only elder brother Flavius lived in the neighbouring village unable to stand their stepmother but Severus knew that he would always be there when he needed him. As a matter of fact if it hadn't been for his father he would have gone to live with Flavius. And then there were his friends too. True his life was not perfect. He didn't have every thing that could be wanted but then **he** didn't want anything else. For him his life was perfect. A perfect picture where all the colours were in balance, both dark and bright. "Perfect", he murmured to himself ignorant of the disaster knocking at his doors._

__

_Severus sat on his bed thinking. His (step) mother was gone to visit a sick aunt. She would not be returning till a month. Severus would be 11 in a month and he and his friends would be going to Hogwarts this year. _

"_Guess I'll miss the village and all" he thought "but I'll miss Flavius the most". _

_His father came in and seeming to read his thoughts asked Severus "why don't you go and stay with Flavius for a week or something". _

"_Guess I will" Severus replied. The next morning as Severus prepared to leave he suddenly felt a fear he could not explain, a sudden misgiving about something he couldn't name. Finding no reason for the fear he ignored it. _

"_Be careful" Marcus Snape shouted as he waved Severus goodbye and as he returned the wave with a huge smile Severus again felt the apprehension. He felt a sudden possessiveness towards his father. He didn't want to leave him and go. "Don't be dumb. Dad's perfectly all right. Nothing's gonna happen to him" he said to himself and walked on _

_The first indication that something was wrong came an evening four days later when Flavius received an owl from his father. The letter looked as if it was scrawled in great hurry and was written behind a crumpled parchment. _

_Son,_

_Reach home as soon as possible and bring Severus along with you. I am in London right now but I'll be back by tonight. Nothing to worry about. It's just that I need to tell you something before. Just come back soon. See you soon._

_Dad_

"_Something sounds wrong Flavius" Severus said, "We probably need to leave, right now"._

"_I know Severus, I know" Flavius replied staring at the letter "I also know dad started out to write something, then decided not to. Before... before what? I wonder... Right. Pack your bag. We leave in 10 minutes."_

_Flavius's broomstick had been sent for servicing and they had to walk all the way (portkey service is not provided for neighbouring village). It was nearly 10:30 by the time they reached the village. Though they had a foreboding of something bad they didn't realise its full implications till they neared their home. An eerie silence covered the whole house. The lights were off, a highly unusual thing in itself as Marcus regularly worked till late night and never slept till at least 12 o clock. Severus's heart grew heavy as he neared the front door. Fear unlike anything he knew before griped his heart. Flavius griped his wand. _

" _Let's move fast." he whispered, "Something's wrong but better face it now than later. Come on let's go in" _

_Severus reached for the door reluctantly. He was in no way less brave than his brother but something held him back. Something told him that he wouldn't want to face whatever it was. He opened the door. It was dark inside. Flavius put on the lights. The scene that met their eyes was one that they would never forget through out their life . Marcus Snape was lying on the floor covered in blood._

"_DAD!" both cried in unison as they came over the shock .At twenty-one years Flavius was still not old enough for the truth that was in front of his eyes right now. At eleven Severus was just...just too small. His legs were shaking badly and without warning he fell down upon his knees trembling violently. Flavius knelt beside him putting his arms around his younger brother not knowing what to say to console him, to console himself._

"_Why? W-Why us? W-Why him? Dad ... Why?" Severus moaned tears streaming down his cheeks. There was no answer - there never was an answer. Flavius tightened his embrace. The two lonely figures sat crying scared and helpless in the silent night, ignored by the world around them, ignoring the world around them oblivious of the sounds outside. _

_They lay there till the first rays of the morning sun touched their faces. Only then after the initial pain was over that they noticed that the house was an absolute mess. It looked like someone had turned the house inside out in search of something._

"_Who do you think it was, Flavius? Who could have done this? Thieves?" Severus asked._

"_No. Not thieves Severus. Remember his letter. Before...before I die? Before they get me? Was that what dad going to say? Dad knew he was going to die. It was a planed attack." Flavius replied._

"_Then who could it be?"_

"_No idea Severus but whoever it was he was searching for something"_

"_What?"_

"_No idea again. We'll think about it later. We've got work now. We need to clean up the blood. And then set the house. And the burial... "Flavius's voice trailed off. There was a weird calmness in his voice that made Severus look up. Severus realises that his brother was not calm, he was numb. The same numbness that allowed him to talk, move, think... But at least he made sense._

"_But mother...?"_

"_Owl her" Flavius replied, "never mind if she can't get here for the funeral. She doesn't deserve being here. She never loved him."_

_As they set about to work Severus's mind was constantly occupied by the thought that what could the attacker have wanted. Maybe the villagers could provide an idea though he doubted it. He and Flavius lifted up the body and placed it on the couch. Flavius left to take a look at the rest of the house. Severus found a fresh blanket and covered the body. Marcus's face looked so peaceful almost as though he was asleep. Tears started streaming down his cheeks but he wiped them off. Flavius was right. They had work now. They had to find the reason, the killer... slowly a new emotion rose in him –revenge._

"_I was right. None of the valuables are missing. Actually nothing I know is." Flavius said walking into the room breaking Severus's thoughts. He tried to open the door. It was locked. _

_Suddenly Severus remembered something. "Flavius, I just remembered. I once saw dad put something behind the picture of Asgard._

_Flavius walked to the picture and lifted it. There was nothing there._

"_Dad muttered something like hemda or something. I couldn't quite catch it."_

_Flavius replaced the picture and stared at it then pulled out his wand and muttered "Hemda" tapping the picture. Nothing happened. "Hamda". Nothing. He stood there for a while staring at the picture. Then it struck him. "Of course." He whispered. He tapped the picture "Heimdall". The picture moved revealing a small compartment containing some papers and a book._

_"How did you do that?" Severus asked._

"_The word was 'Heimdall'. The guarding god of Asgard guards its picture too." Flavius smiled without humour. He took out the papers. One of them was a certificate for qualifying as an auror. Few were papers of their property and the rest seemed to be some kind of ministerial papers._

" _Auror! What does this mean Flavius?" Severus asked confused. "I always thought dad was working for Floo Regulation Panel."_

_Flavius didn't reply. He put back the papers and took out the book. It looked like a dairy. Flavius started reading it as Severus sat quietly beside him waiting to be told something._

_Flavius spoke after a while."The first entry was on Jan 6th. Dad wrote about some assignment he got on Voldemort. The next entry is about his history."_

_And so they went on reading. It took them nearly an hour to read the whole dairy in which they learnt all that was then known about Voldemort. The dairy also had the names of four wizards suspected of working for Voldemort and the reasons of suspicion. The last entry was made the previous day. It read-_

"_I think DE found out I am betraying them. They killed Odin . They will come after me. I know. Soon......" _

" _What do you make out of all this Flavius? And what is DE?" Severus asked after a while._

_Before Flavius could answer an owl flew in and dropped a copy of the local news paper Village Wizard's Daily in to Flavius's hand. Staring out of the front page was the headline-_

Aurors uncover dark wizard among us!

aurors attack dark wizard marcus snape. snape killed in dual.

Last night four aurors created sensations by disclosing that Marcus Snape a prominent and a highly respected wizard of our village is a dark wizard. The aurors attacked Snape's residence last night at about 10 o clock. Though no one is being allowed near the house after the CCU (crime control unit) surrounded the house some time after the aurors left, official sources informed that Mr.Snape chose to fight instead of surrendering and was killed. They also stated that the house was searched by the aurors. The names of the aurors weren't disclosed and they couldn't be traced later. The CCU also refused to comment on the reasons for surrounding the house but a junior Hit Wizard who wished to be unnamed told today early in the morning that even they did not go in to the house yet. No other officials were available for comment.

Further report on page 6.

"_What is all this Flavius? Dad wasn't a dark wizard. He was an auror, isn't it? Why would aurors kill him?" said Severus._

"_Four aurors...four" said Flavius more to himself. "Four aurors, four names. I think I understand Severus. It wasn't aurors who killed dad. It was those dark wizards, those death eaters whose names are in the dairy."_

"_Death Eaters? I still don't understand."_

"_Last month on my birthday dad told me something he made me promise not to repeat. He told me that he was an undercover auror, that he had joined the Death Eaters and was passing information about him to the ministry."_

"_But who are Death Eaters and why didn't he tell me?"_

"_I asked him. He said you were too young." said Flavius replying to the second question, "and Death Eaters are followers of Voldemort. Dad was working against him."_

_Severus was silent for a while trying to grasp every thing. "People need to know the truth. We need to tell them."_

"_No one would believe us. We can't prove it. Even at the ministry only Odin knew about all this and dad's last entry says he is dead." _

_Suddenly they heard a sound from outside. Someone was opening the door. Flavius slipped the papers into his pocket and closed the picture. The next second Chief Hit Wizard Alan Harris (popularly known as Chief) was staring bewildered at the very two people he was not prepared to meet just then._

"_W-What... What are you doing here? How did you get in?" _

"_We came in last night", Flavius replied and added after a pause "maybe just before you locked the door."_

"_Well..." Chief said his face changing as though he suddenly realised he was supposed to be sympathetic but his face betrayed the fear. He had been in such a situation once before and barely escaped with his life. Even the weakest wizards could be dangerous when distressed and he knew Flavius was one of the best around. "Look I am sorry about all this ...er...I know it's a shock for you two and all and I'm sure what ever he was he loved you a lot but the law has to do it's duty son." he stammered lamely looking awkward. It wasn't a job he cared for and it showed. Things weren't improved by the fact that the two brothers looked murderous. Chief didn't miss the fire in their eyes and didn't like it at all. _

"_My dad was not a Dark Wizard. This is rubbish." Severus burst out suddenly stepping towards Chief. This was enough to make Chief whip out his wand. This kid may not have learnt magic yet but right now he still looked capable of killing with bare hands._

_Before things could move further Flavius stepped between the other two. Facing Chief he looked into his eyes and said calmly "You knew him Chief. Do you think he could be one"_

_Chief looked down. He didn't have an answer for that one. It was a question he had avoided asking himself all last night. That was one reason he didn't come earlier. He spent the whole night convincing himself. How could he not believe, they showed him the proofs. _

" _Where did you find his...him" Chief said after a pause looking at the body on the coach sidestepping the question._

"_On the floor, covered in blood" Severus spat._

_Chief looked nervous again. Just then another man entered. For a moment he just stared at the two brothers then gave Chief a letter and left quietly. Chief read the letter and looked relieved. It was the clearance for the burial and orders to lift the watch. He had been dreading the moment he would have to tell the two that they didn't have permission to bury their dad yet._

_The burial was held later that afternoon. Jonathan and Maya were the only people present other than the two of them and Chief. James and Sirius had not come; neither had anyone else from the village._

_It was that evening that completely changed the dimensions of Severus's life, the evening on which he would reflect many times later. He had gone to meet Sirius and James, to ask them why they hadn't come when he needed them. He found both of them sitting on the porch of Sirius's uncle house where Sirius lived. Sirius looked uncomfortable when he saw Severus. James looked prepared for what was coming. It was as though he had expected it._

"_Hi Seve! We..." Sirius started but faltered under Severus's gaze._

_James was both nervous and confused. He wasn't sure whether he really wanted to do what he was to. He decided to get it out before Severus said anything so he finally spoke with a calm tone which hid the pain and confusion in him. "Severus, look we've been very good friends ever since we were real small kids. I've always loved you as a friend. But ..." James lowered his eyes before continuing "but, well you know, after all that happened yesterday and all ...er ...my parents feel that it would be well if I didn't have anything to do with you any more and Siri's uncle feels the same way too."_

"_Why". Severus's calm voice veiled the storm brewing inside him._

_James continued growing more and more ill-at-ease by each passing word. He knew it was going to be hard it was worse than he expected. "Well they say that because your dad was a dark wizard it's not safe for us to go around with you. They are scared that we might get spoiled and..."_

_Severus could contain himself no longer. He could say the whole thing was rehearsed before and he was sick at their behaviour. He knew he couldn't prove his dad's innocence but what was his fault. "WHAT THE HELL DO THEY THINK" he bellowed "THAT I'LL TEACH YOU DARK ARTS OR SOMETHING? OR AM I suppose to be using Dark arts on you ?" There was no answer. "Do you believe it ?" he asked after a pause. He was not shouting any more. His voice was that of a person trying to reason, of one who was dismayed._

_Both James and Sirius didn't know the answer to that. They were at an age when they followed their elders' decision in such matters and believed they were right but now, they could not really decide whether they believed it or not. They remained silent._

_Severus knew their silence reflected their 'yes'. Their silence was the last straw for him. He could not believe what was happening. This was too much for him above all that happened. He broke down completely and before anything else could be uttered he ran away from there. Sirius swallowed what he was about to say and no one ever found out what it was. _

_Severus sat in his room, traumatized, that night. Everything he believed in was shattered, the people he thought were always there for him had left him alone. He felt betrayed. He didn't believe even Jonathan and Maya now. Was Flavius the only person who cared for him now? Would no one ever believe them? Why? Why did he have to go through all this? Such questions haunted him the whole night and that night the soft spoken, all-trusting, innocent little Severus died._

_The sunrise the next morning found Severus and Flavius beside Marcus's grave taking the oath that would change their lives. From that day onwards the only aim in their lives was to finish the work that their father had begun, destruction of Voldemort and revenge from those who wronged their father. They would live and die for it. They stood by it- always. _

_For them this sunrise was not just the sunrise for a new day. It was the sunrise of the new life they were about to begin which signified both an end and a beginning. That sunrise witnessed the birth of the Severus that he was today. The Severus who rarely trusted anyone, whose eyes had no light of love or hope, who drew a shell around himself, who lived on, his soulless, loveless life only for the fulfilment of his oath. _

_Severus left the village that night (Flavius had everything packed by evening) never to be seen there again. He went to live with Flavius and neither knew or cared what happened to his step-mother. Flavius who the best at DADA in his year and was now studying advance DADA started teaching Severus the same, who was soon to learn each new curse he was taught and in just two months he had learnt more curses then even few of the seventh years at Hogwarts knew_.

Severus was the kind of a lad who couldn't be normally offended but once they are hurt they carry the grudge beyond the limits of sensibility. Among everyone else he was hurt by, Sirius and James hurt him the most because they were people he trusted. He felt betrayed. The hatred born of betrayal can be strong beyond belief, beyond limits because behind it lies a storm of emotions, tears and pain. The hatred born in Severus was such a one, which made him blind, blind to right and wrong, to limits, to the guilt. He was a person capable of loving and hating beyond limits. He had loved them beyond limits once and now he hated them beyond limits. When he joined Hogwarts he didn't lose time in showing them this. If there was any kind of remorse in James and Sirius it was killed by this hatred. This along with the fact that he was sorted to Slytherin and the acute interest he showed in Dark Arts finally convinced Sirius and James that they had done the right thing. Severus never missed a chance to hex James and the same was true the other way too. On both sides things were done that were best buried in past. The years passed and the hatred increased with new grudges developing instead of old ones being dissolved.

Neither Flavius nor Severus had any belief left in the ministry after what had happened to their dad. Two years later Flavius joined the Death Eaters convincing them that he wanted revenge from the Aurors and the ministry. This later helped Severus to join the death eaters and quickly get into their inner ranks. After making sure they were positioned well enough they joined Dumbledore telling him the whole truth of what happened, but Severus's former relation with Sirius and James was unknown to him. (as Flavius was never caught after the downfall of Voldemort he continues to work unknown to the Order).

Severus's life continued to sink deeper into the hatred in and around him and as the hatred in his life increased so did the shell of loneliness Severus made around himself. He grew more and more withdrawn, scared of loving and trusting for the fear of betrayal, scared of hoping for the fear of disappointment, hating so as to be hated in the fear that someone would find out how hurt his heart is... and so it went on until the present and nothing changed. Once he was hated by his schoolmates and today he is hated by his students; none of them saw beyond the hatred into the pain. 26 years he spent in loneliness sharing his fears, pains and dreams only with Flavius. Yet there was one dream he didn't tell even Flavius, which he didn't dare admit even to himself..................

_---------------------------------------------------_

**Author's Note**: This story is my first trial of fan-fic and is my attempt to explain Snape, the man behind what meets the eye. This story has been written considering the following things: -

That Harry was born when Snape was 20 years.

When this happened Voldemort didn't come out in open yet and is taken to be just another Dark wizard.

I attempt to explain the difference Sirius's attitude from the rest of his family by saying that he grew up with his uncle.

Thanks to all my friends for supporting me and million special thanks to those who helped me out with this. I dedicate it to all of them.


	2. The way out of darkness

  
  
_Chapter 2: The way out of darkness_

The sun had set completely and the room was covered in darkness. Lost in his thoughts Severus had not bothered to put on the lights. He hadn't even noticed the darkness. He was lost in the darkness inside him. Try as he would he could not stop thinking about Sirius and James. For years he had carried the hatred for them like an undying fire within him. The flames of this fire, which had been quenched a little after James death and Sirius's arrest, had been rekindled again the moment he saw Harry. The likeness of the boy who had made his life miserable standing in front of him was more than he could stand.

Severus had always hated both of them because he wanted to hate them, because he promised himself to hate them, not the he had to work hard to hate them. Both provided ample reason for it. Never even once did he sit back and think about it, about how irrational the roots of all this are. He mostly only thought of the things they did to him later at school, which though were best buried in the past, couldn't be easily forgotten, especially when they were one of the worst memories of your life. But then all that wouldn't have happened if there was no beginning. Today for the first time he thought about it. Now that both men were dead he started thinking whether everything was really worth it.

He was confused, unable to understand himself, understand what he really wanted. Before he could think further someone came into the room and switched on the lights breaking off his thoughts. Severus turned and found his at his brother standing at the door.

"Where have you been Severus?" he asked.

"What do you mean?" Severus asked puzzled. "I haven't gone out of my room all day."

"In body, yes. In sprit, no. What have you been thinking?"

"How do you know I have been thinking?" Severus asked smiling sitting on his bed.

"A man doesn't sit in a dark room for an hour if he is not thinking." Flavius laughed. "So, what have you been thinking about?"

Severus was surprised. _An hour! Had I been thinking for so long?_

Flavius stared at the silent man waiting for an answer. After few silent moments he went and sat beside Severus. "Severus, ever since you came back from Hogwarts you have been so silent like... kind of lost. What's the matter?" he asked.

"Nothing"

"You can tell me, you know."

"I know brother, and I am telling you there's nothing". How could he tell anything when he himself was not sure of what was wrong.

Flavius stared at his brother silently. He wasn't fooled. He knew that something was being hidden form him. It wasn't like Severus to hide things from him and this troubled Flavius. He stared at Severus trying to fathom his thoughts but he couldn't figure out what it was. He left it there hoping that Severus would speak out sooner or later.

"Excuse me, headmaster" Severus made his way into Dumbledore's office. "May I come in, sir?"

"Ah! Yes Severus" Dumbledore said looking up from the Daily Prophet, "sit down." I've got a request to make Severus."

Severus was wondering – but hoping it was not so – whether Dumbledore had decided to call the Order meeting. He preferred to give his reports personally to the headmaster rather than in front of a load of people whose looks shouted out that given their way he wouldn't be sitting with them, instead of thanking him for risking his life to save their neck (though that wasn't his sole intention). _You brought that on yourself_ a small voice said in his mind. Then, there was also the fact that it would be the first meeting after Sirius's death. He didn't think he could face all those people, especially Lupin, in the confused state of mind he was in right now. Specially in that house.........

Dumbledore's voice broke into his thoughts " Severus, you realise we can't use Grimauld Place as our headquarters anymore. After Sirius death Kreacher won't be bound as a house-elf to keep everything that happens there a secret. Though you must have figured it out by know." He paused as though thinking how best to say what ever was on in mind. As a matter of fact that had not occurred to Severus. He was too lost in his own troubles. But now he did think about it, it made sense. But he still didn't understand what was Dumbledore driving at. "I've been thinking Severus," Dumbledore continued "and I have reached to the conclusion that Rockingale Mansion would be the best place. That is of course only if you agree"

"What?" Of course he heard perfectly but it didn't make sense to him. Why his mansion? There were others who could give their houses. But even as the question formed in his mind he knew the answer.

"I know you don't like it very much Severus but there is no other place half as good. It would get highly suspicious if someone's house disappears all of a sudden. That's why I did not ask you for you house in London. As for the mansion very few people know of its existence. No one would even notice even if it disappears, hidden as it is."

"I know sir. I am sorry for the way I reacted. But........." But what? He couldn't put it into words. The mansion... His grandfather had built the mansion. He used to go there with his friends when his mother was alive. That's where Flavius used to live and he did after his father's death. Built in the shadow of a cliff beside the sea it was an unobtrusive place, hidden from Muggles. But in the past 16 years after they shifted to London, it had become a place of retreat for him. He had built o world of his own there, a world where there were no Death Eaters, no Dark Lord, nothing and no one he didn't want. It was a place to where could escape when things became too much for him, where he could find rest peace and the will to go on. It was the only place where traces of the past were still there. There was a world open only to himself and Flavius.

Turning it into the headquarters would mean opening it to a load of practically strangers most of who positively hated him. As it was his house, it would also mean that as the host, he would be obligated to promote some familiarity to the visitors, something he had always avoided. All this in few words meant tearing apart his world. But just then he couldn't find words express to Dumbledore what was on his mind.

Dumbledore, as it turned out, needed no expressing to. He had a gift of understand people, of hearing the unsaid and seeing further then can be seen. "I understand how you feel, Severus," he came around the table and placed his hands of Severus's shoulder "but it is the best that is there. Once placed under the Fidelius Charm no one would be able to find it... I'll have to leave now. But think about it Severus and think for the best."

"I don't know what to do Flavius" Severus said after he told Flavius about Dumbledore's request. It was night and he had just reached home after a busy day.

"The mansion and the world in it belongs to you brother, so does the right to decide what to do with it. The headmaster knows that, else he wouldn't have asked only you." Flavius looked into Severus's eyes and continued, "You are a grown man Severus. I trust you to make a wise decision." And with that he left the room leaving Severus alone.

_A wise decision. What would be a wise decision? Is loosing my only safe haven wise? Is tearing apart the silent world I built wise?_ "No, I can't do it" Severus murmured to himself. He immediately felt ashamed for his thoughts. This was no trifling he was thinking about. The Order had asked him for it. He had pledged his life for the order and here he was backing away from giving it one of its basic needs. _Is this the commitment I have?_ _No, I can do better. I need to do this for the sake of my oath, what I promised myself, what I promised dad...yes I will do it._

He told Flavius what he had decided. He was proud of Severus, Flavius said, for making the right decision. Severus went to meet Dumbledore that afternoon.

"Sir, I have made my decision and my answer is yes. But I need some time to...er... clear up few things. Perhaps a week." He was willing to give the mansion but not to risk someone finding out his past.

"I thank you, Severus. Take your time but try to be fast. " Dumbledore said. After a pause he continued tentatively "Severus, can I take it that you accept Harry staying there?"

"And pray tell me why do you think I would accept that" Severus replied. His voice, which was normal till now (well as normal as snapeishly possibly) when an octave lower. It was the tone he reserved for students –particularly ones who displeased him. Under normal circumstances it was unlikely that he would adopt it while in the Headmaster's presence but what he just heard made the circumstances far from normal. Letting people visit the Mansion of meetings was totally different from letting someone stay there – especially Potter of all the people.

"He is not safe anywhere else, Severus. Even at the Dursleys he couldn't keep out of trouble causing us a lot of trouble if you remember"

"And..."

"Well he doesn't like it there"

"Oh!" he said his voice much louder than usual " So I am expected to do all this- take all the trouble and make myself miserable- because that bloody arrogant trouble maker called Harry Potter the Great, the Saviour is not pampered enough and does not have enough sense to keep out of trouble and tries to keep playing hero going searching for it. You really expected to me to accept this after..." he lowered his voice a little "after all that happened last term...after he breached my trust...your trust..." he ended bitterly- bitter at the memory, bitter at himself for loosing control over himself. Dumbledore always had the talent to make him loose his composure.

Dumbledore didn't answer. Instead he only stared at the angry man before him locking his light blue eyes with the dull dark ones of his potions master. Severus tried to look away but as always found himself attracted to sky like blue eyes with the depth of the oceans that radiated care that made him feel like a vulnerable child, sympathy that infuriated him and persuasion he couldn't resist. Severus knew that this was no persuasion jinx he could fight. It was faith-he couldn't fight that. . He remembered how he was persuaded the same way few months ago to give Potter Occlumency classes... and now this. He felt himself weakening and knew he had to give in

"Alright," he screamed, unable to bear the penetrating stare of the twinkling eyes any more. "I'll do what ever you want. The mansion belongs to the order hereafter. Do what ever you like with it." The effort to get himself under control made him stop. "Though I doubt if Potter will want to stay in my house", he added after a while in his cynical tone.

Dumbledore gave himself a self-congratulatory smile. He had won and sooner than he expected and even he like Flavius had noticed the change in Severus. "I knew I could trust you to keep your word Severus," Dumbledore said and added "and the Weasleys and Granger"

"Yeah right" Severus replied irritated. The question was meaningless after Dumbledore had won "Now if there is nothing else I'd like to leave. Striping down a mansion is not something I enjoy and I want to get this over as soon as possible" and whit that he walked out of the room without turning back.

Severus welcomed the work. Huge and painstaking as it was, it would hopefully keep him busy enough to close his mind to the ghosts of the past that have been haunting him. But he was in for something he wasn't prepared to face. Lot of the things he wanted to remove were things untouched since he had come there lost in some locked room- silent memories of his, of the very days he was determined to forget. Though he guessed that some of them were still there, their number was a surprise to him.

Severus would-more often than not- come across unexpected things which, catching him in moments of unwariness, would sweep him back to the past, making him relive those moments. He had his first taste of this the second day he arrived at the mansion. He was going through some old boxes when he came across an old envelope. He opened it to find a faded photograph-five kids sitting under a beach tree beside a lake. He didn't need the date- a year before Marcus's death- and the place behind the photograph to remind him of that vacation. Sirius had been so excited when his uncle told him about it.

"_Hey Severus, where are you?"_

_Severus looked around into the silent passage into the hall. He was quite alone. The voice is inside me. Yes he could here Sirius's voice, he remembered..._

"_Severus, where are you?" Sirius's voice boomed._

_Severus could hear his friend run through the hall and the kitchen to reach him in the backyard. He smiled at the windswept kid when he appeared._

"_Is your house burning down then, that you are running so" Severus joked. His friend wouldn't be grinning so had that been the case._

"_No ass," Sirius replied, "we are going on a vacation" his face was shining in anticipation._

"_Oh! Great" Severus said. He was slightly hurt that is friend was so happy to leave them "so where are you going."_

_Sirius seemed to sense the stress on 'you'. "You are such a daft Severus. Do you think I could leave you all for any place? I said we are going. All five of us. My uncle's already spoken to your dad."_

_Do you think I can leave you........._

Severus jolted back to the present when he felt a hand on his shoulder. He turned to find Flavius looking concerned." What's up brother? I called you about four times. Where were you lost?"

"What...er...nowhere...nothing" Severus said trying to distinguish between thoughts and reality. "So, what did you want?"

"Me? Nothing. I just wanted to know whether you intend to move all this to London."

"No," Severus replied, "I don't think so." It had been quite a few hours since he had changed his mind about the decisions he took in Dumbledore's office. "There are too many people-Death Eaters-coming there. It's not safe "

"Yeah, that's what I wanted to say. By the way I've fixed some sandwiches for you. You better eat something. You and rest before you start again. You are pushing yourself too much. I'll see what I can do till then.

"O.K." Severus left the room. Flavius made to follow him but on an instinct turned back and picked up the thing Severus was staring at. If he was surprised to see the photo- more so by the way Severus was staring at it-it was nothing to how much he was confused.

Such incidents continued the first few days but soon Severus learned to keep his mind of the work and the work as it was didn't give him a chance to brood on his past but in the sleepless nights the frustration and the confusion returned in measure. He began to relive his past-its joys and sorrows. Slowly and subconsciously he began to accept - though not fully- the mistakes he had done and their effects on his life and on other's, accept that somewhere the reason behind James and Sirius' behaviour was he himself. Out of frustration he began drinking.

Flavius continued to be troubled by Severus' behaviour and finally one night went to his room deciding that it was time to get things clear only to find his brother drunk- more drunk than he had ever seen him. Severus had first begun to drink in the early days of the war but gave up a few years after the downfall of the Dark Lord. It had been nearly twelve years since he had touched spirit- even in parties. And here he was smashing the furniture a half finished bottle of firewhisky in his hand and an empty one rolling on the floor.

Severus didn't notice his brother until he came near him." What are you doing here" he said when he saw him looking at him as though trying to get him into focus "You should be in your bed sleeping. All good men should be in their beds sleeping. Only evil, mean, heartless, slimy old Snivellus shall stay awake tonight. Ha! Ha! "He laughed shakily

"You are drunk brother" Flavius said trying to figure out what all this was about. "I'm not going to leave ...

"Drunk?" Severus cut in looking at the bottle "Yes, I am drunk and I intend to drink more... more... "There was a mad rage in his eyes- strong and scary- like a raging storm in the night like eyes. Suddenly he slid down and fell in a heap on the floor. Flavius knelt beside him trying to get him back to his senses. Severus's face changed suddenly as though a mask fell off. A broken man lie before Flavius now. One could almost imagine the Severus few seconds before never existed-almost.

"Lost...all ...... all is lost. "

"Nothing is lost Severus." Flavius said shaking him thinking about a different thing altogether. "The war has begun again. Nothing is lost" he said lifting him and carrying him towards the bed.

"War? No...lost them ......them...both" He put his arms around Flavius neck and said " you love me don't you. You care for me. You are the only one who does......only one"

With that Severus gave snort and fell asleep.

Trying to understand what was going on in his brother's mind he cast back is mind at the past few days ad suddenly realised it was probably not the war he was talking about but... and things began to fall in place. Severus had been acting odd since he returned from Hogwarts- ever since Sirius's death and the he had just used the name Snivellus- (the name Sirius had given him because of his polite and courteous way of getting things done. Though he had grown up with boys whose roguishness was their identity Severus had always shown maturity beyond his years. The name that had been given to his in childish teasing had, in later years, become a word of malice, a weapon of torment) Maybe...._ No, I shouldn't jump to conclusions like that. _But from what things looked like...

For years Flavius had left his brother alone with is hatred-against his better instincts- knowing that it would do more harm than good if he interfered. He had hoped that Severus would grow out of it with time but it never happened. The events at Hogwarts were not unknown to him and he stayed quite- a silent spectator- hoping against hope that things would change with an optimism that died gradually. But now a new hope arose in him. If things were really the way they looked like – and his heart, though against his reason, told him they were – then the present would be the best time to bury the past and build hope for future. True, Sirius and James were dead but there were others Severus could make-up to. But Severus would need help. Things wouldn't happen by themselves. He would have to make things happen. He'd have to make sure that the seeds of repentance don't die before they sprout but grow into strong trees of forgiveness and trust – strong trees which could withstand the storms of the hard times yet to come. But how? Who could help him? He remembered something he had heard earlier which he had meant to tell Dumbledore later that day and decided to meet him right away. With any hope he might have found a way out of the darkness.........


End file.
